They see themselves almost as two different people, one having little to do with the other. Some people split themselves into two, thinking they are being a good, dutiful spouse and stay attentive at home, but also carry on with their affair. You will lose something, but it will not be the same as the pain that you are saving yourself and family. When you keep your conversations strictly about work, you’ll miss the intimacy – albeit non-physical – you had. When you’ve decided to take control of your current obsession, you will miss the thrill of knees touching under the table. Affairs don’t just happen – you control your own behaviour Imagine the children being shocked and miserable as their world is broken apart imagine them angry or trying to guilt-trip you well into their adult lives imagine you trying to make your wife into a bad person to justify your actions imagine a decade into the future when sex with V is OK (bearing in mind that you’ve been together for 10 years), but there is this new young person at work who is really into you imagine your kids starting to call your wife’s new husband “Daddy” imagine you are in your 90s and looking back at your life, and have the power to correct the past and stop yourself doing that stupid thing you were about to do in your 40s. When you fantasise about V don’t stop when you get that dopamine hit, but carry the fantasy on. Things that might help: until you have this under control, stop drinking with colleagues, maybe stop drinking altogether (alcohol might be contributing to your problem).
Not just trying to stop it – that never works. You can stop having this affair by deciding to stop it. Philippa’s answer If your marriage wasn’t good, the advice I’m going to give you might be different: don’t jeopardise your family. The only other solution I can see is to start actively looking for other jobs. My plan is to carry on as usual, but have a drunken conversation with V littered with how much I love my wife. I also don’t see it as sensible to have a direct conversation with V. I don’t think I should talk to my wife about V. I have no intention of leaving my wife or cheating on her. I know my behaviour is a cliché of a man of my age.
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